Tomorrow (Tuesday) at 3:50 pm it will be 2 years since we said goodbye. This year has hit me hard since 2 is such a fun age.Two Years, it probably sounds like ages, but it isn’t. Especially with grief. Sometimes I still feel numb, other times it’s like she died all over again. 2 years is really such a short period for mourning, and yet people think I should be over it.
In these two past years, I’ve grown a lot, but at the same time a part of me is still stuck in the past. I have a lot of regrets from the day she died. So many regrets, and while I don’t let them rule my life on days like today they hit me hard.
I wish I’d made the family leave so I could hold her with just dh and my girls in the room. I wish we’d had better cameras. I wish I’d known that I was allowed to give her a bath and dress her, no one told me this and I missed out. I wish I’d had a disposable camera or 6. I wish I’d sung to her longer. I wish we’d had more time with her after she died. I wish I’d stayed longer, I should have. I wish I had a photo of her in her beautiful little outfit. Most of all I wish I’d told her I loved her! I know I kissed her! I rocked her, I SANG to her. But I did not tell her ‘I love you’ GOD why didn’t I just tell her while I could.
I’m sitting here holding my teddy bear tonight, and her little whale stuffy and blanket and I just hurt. I still think she was one of the most beautiful beings ever to have graced my life and I’m honored that I was her mummy, but I still wish she was with me. Her passing did teach me so much though, like the depth of my love, how much love my heart can hold. I loved her so much I knew I had to let her go….and I did physically. However the hold she has on my heart is just as strong as the hold that Freja and Raeden have on my heart and it always will be.
When you love someone sometimes you just have to let them go……and that’s when you truly realize how much of your heart they really hold.
