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Mommy
 
     Hi my Baby Dearest,
         Today we came a step closer to helping Angel Parents all around the community. In October 2009 I started mailing the Mayor and then the Park Board about getting a Christmas Box Angel erected for us grieving parents.
         Tonight on January 11, 2009 it was brought up at the Park Board meeting. I'm to call tomorrow and find out what the rest of the board thought about it. If they liked it I will be appearing at the next board meeting to discuss location and money and other details of the angel!! Please World Pray for us!
        I love you Calypso and please watch over us as we try to get this done for angel parents who need somewhere to mourn and remember their children.

Love always
Mommy
Two Years
 
Tomorrow (Tuesday) at 3:50 pm it will be 2 years since we said goodbye. This year has hit me hard since 2 is such a fun age.

Two Years, it probably sounds like ages, but it isn’t. Especially with grief. Sometimes I still feel numb, other times it’s like she died all over again. 2 years is really such a short period for mourning, and yet people think I should be over it.

In these two past years, I’ve grown a lot, but at the same time a part of me is still stuck in the past. I have a lot of regrets from the day she died. So many regrets, and while I don’t let them rule my life on days like today they hit me hard.

I wish I’d made the family leave so I could hold her with just dh and my girls in the room. I wish we’d had better cameras. I wish I’d known that I was allowed to give her a bath and dress her, no one told me this and I missed out. I wish I’d had a disposable camera or 6. I wish I’d sung to her longer. I wish we’d had more time with her after she died. I wish I’d stayed longer, I should have. I wish I had a photo of her in her beautiful little outfit. Most of all I wish I’d told her I loved her! I know I kissed her! I rocked her, I SANG to her. But I did not tell her ‘I love you’ GOD why didn’t I just tell her while I could.

I’m sitting here holding my teddy bear tonight, and her little whale stuffy and blanket and I just hurt. I still think she was one of the most beautiful beings ever to have graced my life and I’m honored that I was her mummy, but I still wish she was with me. Her passing did teach me so much though, like the depth of my love, how much love my heart can hold. I loved her so much I knew I had to let her go….and I did physically. However the hold she has on my heart is just as strong as the hold that Freja and Raeden have on my heart and it always will be.

When you love someone sometimes you just have to let them go……and that’s when you truly realize how much of your heart they really hold.
mommy
 


Dear Mom and Dad:

I wish I could have said “good-bye”. It sometimes seems unfair
that I never even was able to say “hello”.

I am OK now; everything is better. I miss you and always will,
but I believe we will be together again, in time, for all time. Right
now though, that seems like an eternity. In time, it will be for
eternity.

Please, remember me, use my name, tell my family and your
friends about me. Never forget me or pretend I didn’t exist.

Thanks for all you did for me. Mom, thanks for putting up
with the changes in your body; thanks for everything you shared
with me. Thanks for talking to me; I know your hopes and
dreams for me. Thanks for the songs you sang, and for those
gentle pats you gave me while I floated inside. You may not
realize, but the rhythmic contracting of your heart helped me
rest peacefully and reassured me. As I grew, I could feel your
heart beating better and better, and it gave me such a wonderful
sense of comfort.

Thanks for the tears you shed for me.  I know you did
everything you could for me,and I am fortunate to have you for
my Mother. I am sorry for the pain and sadness you have
suffered.

Dad, thanks for being there for Mom and me, It must have
been so hard for you, trying to be strong and brave for Mom
when you were confused, upset and afraid yourself. I will miss
growing up with you, wrestling, being tossed in the air, just sitting
on your lap learning how to use the TV remote control. Please
don’t ever forget about me. I will not forget you.

If there is something I have learned, it is that you will not find
the answer to the “why” of this, not now anyway. God did not
make this happen, but He will help you live, love and laugh
again. Sometimes that can seem very difficult when you hurt
and so badly want answers.

I want you to live today; be happy. Bring laughter back into
the house. Dare to dream again. You know so much better than
many that life is often too short, too unpredictable. Tomorrow is
never guaranteed.

I would rather this all be a very bad nightmare, but I can do
nothing to change that now. However, you can make something
good out of my death if you use it as an opportunity to love each
other a little more, and reach out. There are so many hurting
people out there who need a hand, or a hug or a “hello” or just
someone to listen. Don’t be afraid to admit you may be one of
them. Be gentle with each other.

On a still, clear night, look for me, out there in the peace and
quiet. Look up, not by the Big Dipper or the Milky Way, but over
there in the corner of the sky. See that small, twinkling star you
never noticed before?

One more thing before I go, thanks a lot for everything you
did for me. Thanks for caring and sharing. Thanks for trying and
for crying. I love you, lots. And Mom and Dad, “good-bye”,
“good-bye for just a little while longer”.

               
  Love you,
               Calypso Paikea Rhyder Lane
Mommy
 
   Hey Princess. We're coming upon your 2nd birthday! 2 is a really big birthday and I hope you are going to have a great party with Jesus in Heaven. We're going to bury your ashes on your birthday. I've gotten a burial gown and a blanket that will be buried in the urn vault with your ashes. The gown and blanket have an identical match that I will keep for memories as a keepsake.

    We're going to have a small service when we bury your ashes and do a balloon release too. Hopefully your headstone is up by your birthday but there is no promise of that. So we're just going to pray it is in by then
Mummy
 
    Hey Sweet Baby Angel. I really hope you like the beautiful things we took to your site at Christmas Time.  It was hard to choose what to take to you. But I think the ponies, shells, teddy, and balloon fit. I hope your second Christmas with Jesus and the Angels went well. I miss you princess.
We've almost got the money for your stone all raised. I'm not sure when but we'll be bringing all your treasures home to clean and wash soon so then when your new stone is out there we can take all your toys back out after we fix up your garden.

   
Total Memories: 6
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