Calypso Paikea Rhyder Lane

It's hard to believe you'd be 15 now. We had a cake for you and sang Happy Birthday.




We've not been able to visit the cemetery for a long time because of my disabilities. So we ordered a special stone for the garden here at home and we're working on expanding the garden and making it more a place I can sit and visit and put flowers and things for you.

We have a brick for you at the Angel of Hope and a little memorial garden stone we put out for you







A lot of other people have stones in the garden too!





Your dad did go to the cemetery and your headstone and decorations all look pretty well!



We miss you loads. I hope your great grandpa and grandma are taking care of you now that they are both there with you.

Happy Birthday

     Hi my Baby Dearest,
         Today we came a step closer to helping Angel Parents all around the community. In October 2009 I started mailing the Mayor and then the Park Board about getting a Christmas Box Angel erected for us grieving parents.
         Tonight on January 11, 2009 it was brought up at the Park Board meeting. I'm to call tomorrow and find out what the rest of the board thought about it. If they liked it I will be appearing at the next board meeting to discuss location and money and other details of the angel!! Please World Pray for us!
        I love you Calypso and please watch over us as we try to get this done for angel parents who need somewhere to mourn and remember their children.

Love always
Mommy

Tomorrow (Tuesday) at 3:50 pm it will be 2 years since we said goodbye. This year has hit me hard since 2 is such a fun age.

Two Years, it probably sounds like ages, but it isn’t. Especially with grief. Sometimes I still feel numb, other times it’s like she died all over again. 2 years is really such a short period for mourning, and yet people think I should be over it.

In these two past years, I’ve grown a lot, but at the same time a part of me is still stuck in the past. I have a lot of regrets from the day she died. So many regrets, and while I don’t let them rule my life on days like today they hit me hard.

I wish I’d made the family leave so I could hold her with just dh and my girls in the room. I wish we’d had better cameras. I wish I’d known that I was allowed to give her a bath and dress her, no one told me this and I missed out. I wish I’d had a disposable camera or 6. I wish I’d sung to her longer. I wish we’d had more time with her after she died. I wish I’d stayed longer, I should have. I wish I had a photo of her in her beautiful little outfit. Most of all I wish I’d told her I loved her! I know I kissed her! I rocked her, I SANG to her. But I did not tell her ‘I love you’ GOD why didn’t I just tell her while I could.

I’m sitting here holding my teddy bear tonight, and her little whale stuffy and blanket and I just hurt. I still think she was one of the most beautiful beings ever to have graced my life and I’m honored that I was her mummy, but I still wish she was with me. Her passing did teach me so much though, like the depth of my love, how much love my heart can hold. I loved her so much I knew I had to let her go….and I did physically. However the hold she has on my heart is just as strong as the hold that Freja and Raeden have on my heart and it always will be.

When you love someone sometimes you just have to let them go……and that’s when you truly realize how much of your heart they really hold.

   Hey Princess. We're coming upon your 2nd birthday! 2 is a really big birthday and I hope you are going to have a great party with Jesus in Heaven. We're going to bury your ashes on your birthday. I've gotten a burial gown and a blanket that will be buried in the urn vault with your ashes. The gown and blanket have an identical match that I will keep for memories as a keepsake.

    We're going to have a small service when we bury your ashes and do a balloon release too. Hopefully your headstone is up by your birthday but there is no promise of that. So we're just going to pray it is in by then